M F ALFREY

“Where new writers use dialogue, it may come off as stilted and confusing”

The first term I need to define is new author. For the purpose of this article, new author refers to somebody who is completely new to writing stories as a craft, not someone who is publishing for the first time. When I first started, I fell foul of all the aspects I mention below, and sometimes still do. Particularly if I am tired, pushing myself too hard, or have not read enough of other authors lately – especially those in the genre I am writing at the time. No matter how experienced you become as a writer, we all have those days and those drafts. However, it is important to remember we also have the luxury of the edit and the rewrite!

Why your dialogue might be flat

One of the major aspects about writing from very new authors I have noticed (from reading others, and having been one myself) is that they tend to heavily rely on introspection and exposition in general, and dialogue falls by the wayside. Where new writers use dialogue, it may come off as stilted and confusing. The causes of this are probably because they are having the characters info dump too obviously, tell other characters things they would already know, or avoid using the speech tags said and asked, instead opting for active verbs like: hissed, exclaimed, retorted, etc. Or, simply, they use action beats with no attribution (speech tags or action-beat tags with a name attached) which can sometimes cause the reader to lose their place.

How to fix flat dialogue

Below is a method I have tried and tested over the years. It works for me, but may not work for everyone. However, it is always good to have a go to see if a method fits.

• Practise writing dialogue with no attribution at all. Then read through and see if it is clear to you who is speaking from the characters’ voices alone. If not, add some befitting nuances to that character’s speech.
• Next, add some action beats. These could be actions unique to the character, like a twitch or mannerism only they have. Does that make the characters stand out from each other?
• Finally, add speech tags only where they are absolutely needed in order to ensure the reader does not become lost.

And there you have it! The dialogue should be tighter. Try it out and pass your writing on to your favourite guineapig and see if they notice a difference in your dialogue.

Flat dialogue and spatial framing: a case study

Additionally, you may need to add a spatial framing shot (imagine the opening shots in a movie where the camera pans the environment of a new scene before settling on the characters) to remind the reader of the setting. Action beats where the characters interact with the environment will also help here, by anchoring them in the scene.

Below are examples of the same scene. Example one is stilted, vague, melodramatic, and flat. Example two shows how the first draft can be unpacked using interactive dialogue, spatial framing, actions beats, and thoughts, along with pared down speech tags, to create conflict, raise tension, and set the stakes in the scene.

Example 1: Flat dialogue / little spatial framing

‘We need to get out of the facility,’ explained Mousa.

‘But how?’ enquired Adriana.

‘Well, I know of a way. We can’t go out the front because of the explosion that happened last night while we were all sleeping. It blocked our only exit from the building. But I saw something the other day while I was searching the dismal corridors fearing for my life. I found a maintenance locker and, after opening the battered rusted metal door, I crept inside and found a map of the facility on the wall. After unfurling it, despite my want to come back here immediately and tell you all, I saw the escape root via the basement corridors. It was lucky that I read the map because when I left the locker, one of those things attacked me. Luckily, I was swift and used my kung-fu to kill it. Unfortunately, the map got destroyed in the process. But I have a photographic memory. So now, I am our best chance of escape out of this seemingly impossible situation.’

‘Great! Let’s go!’ exclaimed the rag tag bunch of survivors.

185 words

Example 2: Improved dialogue / spatial framing

‘We have no choice. If we want to live, we have to leave. This place is a tomb,’ Mousa said.

Adriana leaned against a concrete pillar and threw up her hands. ‘But how? The only way in or out of here is rubble.’

Jonas huffed. ‘And who’s damn fault is that?’

‘Leave it Jonas.’ Mousa gave the big man a long, hard glare. ‘It wasn’t her fault.’

‘She set the charges,’ Jonas muttered under his breath.

‘You still have something to say?’ Mousa shifted his hand on his hip, so his thumb rested on the catch of his holster.

Jonas held up his hands and backed off a little more. ‘You know what, man? Screw this.’ He turned and strode towards the stairs beside the lift.

‘You’re leaving?’ Michael squeaked. The gawky kid shifted from foot to foot. ‘Please don’t go.’

The big man seemed to consider staying for a second or so, but the soft look he had when thinking of the kid became hard when he fixed his eyes on Mousa. He turned and strode up the steps and was gone leaving the survivors to stand in silence in the underground parking lot.

‘You know what?’ Mousa said, ‘to hell with him. How many times has he nearly got us killed?’

Eve shrugged and plumped her bottom lip. ‘He saved the kid.’

‘Sure,’ Adriana said, ‘out of guilt for what he did. Mousa’s right – to hell with him.’ She turned her head and flicked her chin at Mousa. ‘So? You’ve got something, haven’t you? You have that look on your face.’

Mousa smiled. He shrugged his tactical pack and crouched to unzip it. A moment later he pulled out a crumpled roll of paper. He spread it out on the floor, weighing the curled edges down with a folding knife and an empty clip for his Glock.

‘What’s that?’ Michael asked.

Nicky rolled her eyes and huffed affectedly. ‘It’s a map, dumbass.’

‘Leave the kid alone,’ Adriana said. She pushed herself off the concrete pillar and came to a crouch opposite Mousa. Soon, all six of them, even gramps, were crouched in a circle.

‘It’s a schematic,’ Mousa began with a little pride.

Adriana pointed at the tear down one side. ‘Where’s the rest of it? Is that blood?’

‘Yeah, one of those things attacked me but—’

‘Holy crap!’ Nicky said, jumping up and looking about frantically. ‘They’re in here?!’

‘Easy, Nick.’ Mousa raised a calming hand. ‘I took care of it.’ He sighed. ‘Unfortunately, it took care of the other half of the map. Tore it to shreds trying to get to me.’

‘So what use is half a map?’ Eve asked through a cough.

‘You okay there, Eve?’ Adriana raised one of her sharp eyebrows.

‘I’m fine. What? Don’t y’all look at me like that.’

‘Eyes on the prize people,’ Mousa said. He pointed to the schematic, and with his index finger, drew the route he proposed all the way to the tear. He tapped his head. ‘Don’t worry. I got a good look at it before the thing attacked me.’

‘What are you grinning at?’ Eve said to Adriana. She then looked to Mousa. ‘Why’s she so happy?’

‘Mousa has a photographic memory,’ Adriana said. ‘It’s how the smug asshole aced theory when we were training.’

‘Still bitter about that, huh?’ Mousa smiled. ‘Look, like it or not, this is what we’ve got to do. Likelihood is, those creatures are down there in those tunnels. I know one thing though – I’d rather face one or two down there in the dark than the thousands above ground. What do you say Gramps, how’s the leg?’

Gramps rapped on his wooden leg and grinned gums through a wiry beard. ‘She needs an oilin’ fer shor. But this old stick’s got some miles in her yet.’

‘Well,’ Mousa said rolling up the map and stuffing it in his pack, ‘that settles it, right? If Gramps is game …’

He examined the tired faces in the circle. Two kids, a soccer mom, and a World War II vet with a wooden leg called Hilda. Mousa stood and eyed Adriana and they shared a knowing glance. He thought of how much the group had shrunk, and how the dying wasn’t done – not by a long shot.

719 words

So what’s the difference?

The first thing you have probably noticed is example two is much longer. This is very natural with dialogue. Dialogue slows time down on the page, but the effect is more engaging for the reader. We get a much better idea of the situation the group is in, but through dialogue.

In example one, sure, we get the idea of the situation but the dialogue is just a badly disguised info dump. This often occurs for newer writers or in early drafts when a writer is roughing out a scene. Especially so if they are a discovery writer.

“Body movements show the reader a lot about a character and can often contradict what they say.”

Unpacking dialogue like this has instantly given credibility to the situation. Another reason for this is that each character has some floor time: the dialogue is interactive. Example one is a classic example of one-sided dialogue where one character tells the others how it is and they simply agree to what is said and move on. There is no conflict, thus no tension. Despite the stakes and situation being conveyed.

The dialogue is also very melodramatic. This is because the speaker seems to shift into author voice with their poetic and writerly descriptions, also known as purple prose. This is a common ailment with writers who are still finding their voice and struggling to separate it from their characters’ voices. It comes with practice and lots of reading. One sure-fire way to improve unique character voice is to develop the characters deeply through character interviews and studies. Who they are will be clearer in the writer’s head and so their voice will come through on the page to the reader.

“Example one falls flat because no question is raised.”

Let us not forget action beats either. Another reason why example two is longer is that little details of action are added to show the reader how the characters are holding themselves or interacting with the environment. The effect is twofold: body movements show the reader a lot about a character and can often contradict what they say, thus raising tension. Also, having them interact with the environment and move around anchors them to the setting and reminds the reader the characters are not just talking to each other while floating in a white room.

In terms of the endings, both examples are supposed to end on tension, yet example one falls flat because no question is raised. In example two the reader is reminded that the group is not entirely composed of professional soldiers and that others have already died, thus raising the question: who is next, the kids, soccer mom, or Gramps? This is communicated through the thoughts of the main character Mousa.

Example two is by no means perfect, and you may have spotted areas where the narrative and dialogue could be improved. There are always tweaks to be done. Again, as I usually advise, the sign that the drafting of a scene may be done is when we have reduced the word count as much as we possibly can without losing clarity, logic, and emotional impact. Then, we can be fairly confident the scene, paragraph, or sentence is pulling its weight.

Try it out for yourself

Have a go at this method with a draft of your own writing and see what happens. You can also take the examples here in this article and see if you can improve them further or in a different way.

Further Reading

This reading list contains Amazon Associate links. As an associate, I may earn commission from qualifying purchases.

Dialogue: Techniques and Exercises for Crafting Effective Dialogue – Gloria Kempton

The Forest for the Trees (Revised and Updated): An Editor’s Advice to Writers – Betsy Lerner

Fiction Writer’s Guide to Dialogue: A Fresh Look at an Essential Ingredient of the Craft – John Hough, Jr.